Girl Code

Girl Code isn’t written down.

There are no meetings, no handbook and no official membership card.

But somehow, most of us know it exists.

We share period products with complete strangers.

We play along when a woman suddenly pretends she knows us because she feels unsafe.

We do not leave the drunk friend behind.

We tell her when there is lipstick on her teeth.

We tell her when her skirt is tucked into her knickers.

We protect secrets.

We defend our friends.

And somewhere amongst all of that is another unwritten rule:

We do not deliberately tear another woman down just to make ourselves feel bigger.

When I was younger, I thought Girl Code was mostly about boys.

You do not pursue your friend’s boyfriend.

You do not deliberately go after the person your friend has just told you she likes.

You do not knowingly involve yourself with somebody else’s partner.

Simple.

Because when you are young, everything can become a competition.

Someone gets the boy.

Someone gets rejected.

Someone stops speaking to someone.

Someone cries in a toilet.

Someone decides she has “won”.

Then everybody grows up.

Except sometimes, strangely, the competition does not.

The boys become boyfriends.

The boyfriends become husbands.

The playground becomes Facebook, WhatsApp, workplaces, school gates, pubs and somebody else’s kitchen.

And suddenly women are still being compared.

Looks.

Bodies.

Jobs.

Homes.

Friendships.

Relationships.

Who gets more attention.

Who somebody finds more attractive.

Who somebody chooses.

Who somebody wants.

And I think that is the bit I understand differently now.

Because somebody else being beautiful does not make me less beautiful.

Another woman being successful does not mean I have failed.

Her relationship does not diminish mine.

Her friendships do not make mine less important.

And somebody choosing her instead of me does not automatically mean that she has won and I have lost.

There does not always have to be a winner.

That sounds ridiculously obvious when you write it down.

But women are taught to compare themselves from such a young age.

Who is prettier?

Who is thinner?

Who gets the boyfriend?

Who gets married first?

Who has the nicer house?

Who is the better mum?

Who looks younger?

Who has more followers?

Who has somehow managed to make her kitchen look like nobody actually lives in it?

There is always another bloody scoreboard.

And sometimes we start measuring ourselves against it without even realising we are doing it.

I have had women compare themselves to me.

And I have undoubtedly compared myself to other women.

I think most of us have.

But there is a difference between noticing another woman and deciding she is your competition.

That is something age has taught me.

When somebody decides to compete with you, that does not automatically mean you have entered the competition.

You can simply be living your life while somebody else has decided your life is a scoreboard.

And you do not have to play.

You want him?

That is his decision too.

You want that friendship?

Friendships are not possessions.

You want to prove that you are prettier, thinner, sexier, funnier or more interesting than me?

You are going to have to do that without me standing on the other side of the rope.

I am not interested in tug-of-war anymore.

That does not mean things do not hurt.

Being replaced hurts.

Being rejected hurts.

Being talked about hurts.

Finding out somebody you trusted views you as competition hurts.

Having something that mattered to you treated like a prize somebody else can win hurts.

But hurt and competition are not the same thing.

And another woman does not automatically become my enemy because something painful has happened.

That might be one of the biggest things I have learned about Girl Code.

It is not actually about blindly supporting every woman.

Women can be wonderful.

Women can also be absolute dickheads.

Girl Code does not mean pretending otherwise.

We do not have to like every woman.

We do not have to agree with every woman.

We do not even have to understand every woman.

It is about how we choose to treat each other anyway.

It is seeing a woman looking uncomfortable in a pub and quietly asking if she is okay.

It is letting a stranger pretend she knows you when somebody is making her feel unsafe.

It is giving someone a tampon without asking questions.

It is checking that your drunk friend got home.

It is telling your friend something difficult because you know she deserves the truth.

It is not humiliating another woman simply because you have the opportunity.

It is not knowingly participating in something that would devastate her and then pretending she somehow caused it.

It is respecting boundaries.

And sometimes it is recognising that another woman’s vulnerability is not an invitation to prove your own desirability.

Because being chosen at somebody else’s expense is not necessarily the victory we are taught to think it is.

People are not prizes.

Men are not handbags.

Friends are not possessions.

Nobody can actually be stolen.

People make choices.

And those choices belong to them.

Perhaps that is where my understanding of Girl Code has changed the most.

When I was younger, it felt like Girl Code was mostly about who kissed whose boyfriend.

Now I think it is much bigger than that.

It is loyalty.

Safety.

Respect.

Honesty.

Boundaries.

It is understanding that another woman’s success does not reduce yours.

Her beauty does not cancel yours.

Her happiness does not take anything away from yours.

And her life does not need to look worse for yours to look good.

I do not want your boyfriend.

I do not want your husband.

I do not want your crush.

I do not want your friends.

I do not want your life.

I already have one.

It is messy.

It is loud.

It is wonky.

It is occasionally completely fucking ridiculous.

And it is mine.

So if another woman looks at something in my life and decides she needs to compete with it, beat it, copy it or prove herself against it, I am learning not to desperately defend my position.

I can just step away.

Not because she won.

Because there was never supposed to be a competition in the first place.

Maybe that is Girl Code.

Not women against men.

Not women blindly defending women.

And definitely not women fighting women over who gets to be chosen.

Just a quiet understanding that life is difficult enough without deliberately making it harder for each other.

We do not have to be best friends.

We do not have to braid each other’s hair and sing about sisterhood.

We just have to remember that another woman is not automatically our enemy.

Sometimes she is simply another woman trying to make sense of her own beautifully chaotic mess.

And yes.

We should still tell her when her knickers are showing.